Calling Out the Vicious Voices
After fucking myself with fervor, in a daily rhythm for a couple months, I became exceedingly frustrated and rough with myself. How unforgiving I had been of my body’s will to resist further force. So attached to the destination I wanted to reach - orgasm.
One of my biggest weaknesses is perfectionism. It would be easier on my ego not to share this with you because then it could remain attached to the limiting narratives it spins: “you’re still perfect if they don’t know.” Lol. Anyone relate? Or, “just hide your precious humanity from everyone who’s here to read your words because then you can save the image you’ve created.” Or my favorite, “if you don’t always come you’re broken and nobody will ever love you.”
This pattern has many voices and they all stem from the same black and white thinking. The idea that I must meet an impossible criteria to be worthy of something. Somewhere in my mind the story was, “they only want to hear about the wild, juicy stuff,” which is just the same storyline respun. But if I chose to only share the highlights, I’d be skewing your reality, too, and that’s certainly not my intention. My mission is to illustrate the brilliance of recognizing a wider perspective. It’s a path to genius, if you ask me. The all seeing eye.
A complete mind fuck. Brilliant though. Just as you can fuck your mind into knots by ignoring what’s present, so can you can fuck your mind open by simply listening.
That’s the thing. By continuing to pursue my attachment to a destination, I started to warp my perception of my own reality. Started to tell myself something was wrong with me. Why wasn’t I having explosive orgasms like I did the other night? Why was it taking so long? Was the music wrong? Why couldn’t I just produce more sexual juice? Geeeez it’s a brutal line of questioning, that. Vicious.
It was a matter of rushing through, mentally fixating on the destination, jumping from habit to habit, rather than slowing down, stepping back, and noticing what was happening. Entering the unknown can be a bit disorienting. Yet it is where truth lives. It’s important to master the posture of stillness. It’s important to breathe it in, the stillness. From that place, you can sense the pulses that arise from an otherwise waveless ocean.