Full moon diaries II
April 6, 2023
The day was interesting. I mean. Nothing really out of the ordinary, yet a miraculous development in smoothness. Lately, it’s been glaringly evident, the prominence of doing without doing. I’ve noticed more intently the resistance releasing, my flow softening and softening as I’m relaxing deeper into my feminine. What am I talking about even?
Yin and yang. Polarity. Shiva and Shakti. Masculine and Feminine. Structure and flow. The duality of the universe. In the center of one, the essence of the other.
How to say this. I’ve been erecting my inner king, and I’ve found impeccable examples.
You guessed it: C and John Mayer (among others, but these are most present, most with me, most affective, most loving).
Now, I don’t want C to get jealous, (he won’t, but it’s kinda fun to think he might) about this thing with John. I just… I have so much love to give and I fear if I gave it all to him he’d be drowning. And why not shower the whole world (or for the time being, all of you, dear readers) with this wellspring of honey cascading from me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about water. Noticing it. Seeing metaphors everywhere. Things coming in streams. Consciousness, namely. The signs are just… pooling. Synchronicities wherever I look. It seems the more I surrender to the flow, the more appears to me effortlessly, everything in its right place.
I was outside earlier moving about, looking up, communing with the trees and the wind, and at the moment I lied down on the deck, a bright green leaf landed right on my nose, answering the question I asked and can no longer remember. The point is: I asked and noticed the answer falling right into my presence.
There’s a pattern I notice when I’m coming up against a big edge: all my old defense mechanisms kick in. Defense against what? My own expansion. Coming into my fullness. I start worrying about everything. Doubting my decisions. Ya know? Like when the bubble is about to burst and you’re about to become a gushing river of the juiciest most delicious nectar that’s ever run through the land… it feels as though some energy knots up right in the middle of it that makes you feel like… oh FUCK everything’s going to shit. I could never do this. What’s wrong with me? Etc, etc, etc. until you spiral into a hole on the bathroom floor a sobbing mess for hours on end. Playing the same thoughts on repeat. Succumbing to your devastation. Believing that wicked narrative about the danger you’re in for simply… becoming.
That’s what used to happen.
Now I’ve realized a new process. Being like water. Yielding.
Pause. Notice. Let each emotion - each energetic display - resolve. Move on. A new symphony. Or at least the next movement.
I suppose it’s not quite as easy as it is simple to describe.
Let go of expectations. Let go of plans. Let the feelings happen even if they interrupt your to-do list, or what you wish was reality. Realize: your resistance to the waves presenting is what creates the knots in your experience. Let go of linearity. Let go of everything you think. The knot unwinds when given permission to flow freely.
Sam Harris explains love like this:
“Love is not a craving for attention. It’s the gift of attention. It is what you offer another person when you’re already happy. It’s simply happiness allowed to shine in another’s presence. It’s the direct enjoyment of Being in another’s presence. So Love has nothing to do with all the uneasy demands we make on the people we ostensibly Love. You’ve tied a knot in your heart, and now you want to feel better in the company of other people. The feeling of “I” is the knot. Just untie it.”
I find it quite a stirring contemplation.
+++++++++
Two phrases came to me today.
One, a profound understanding of a classically sappy movie.
Two, words from C.
Love, actually
“I wanna be your sky daddy”
+++++++++
A week ago I wrote:
“I think I’m in love. I’m about to fall into that space where, I have no idea what happens and I have to be totally okay with it because I would rather show him everything, go all in, than not have him know me.”
I’m letting go even deeper now. Of course I didn’t realize how far I could go. I’d never been there. Here. Where I am now. And I was expecting, however subtly, to arrive at a familiar destination. A destination - what is that? A memory, really, that lived in a layer of skin I’ve long since slithered out of.