i am music: an erotic journey
(playlist included)
9:21 pm
little disturbs my experience. i listen and let it in. alan watts makes love to my ears. “the easiest way to get into the meditative state, is to begin by listening.”
a deep breath.
i’ve learned to let my response be what it is. there’s no problem to speak of.
*a stream of consciousness after i come. again and again i’m coming into recognition of my infinite self
it’s all about context. the same environment infused with different qualities. it’s as simple as breathing. as complex as you want it. what stories do you want to tell? what will you create with your energy? how does it want to travel through your body? will you open to the wisdom within? dance? become the music that is every moment. an interplay of sweet sounds. a symphony. sometimes the cacophony is beautiful. is it a symphony, too? anything can be. it depends on the context.
stay open to experience. what do you want to infuse your life with? you only resist it because it’s different, the thing that is crawling to the surface. feel what you’re resisting. stop thinking about it. bring it into your body. you’re not composed of air. you’re an earthly creature. you can’t think your way through this plane.
i don’t want to fall in love with you, the song echoed. i don’t, i don’t i don’t.
i love the juxtaposition
i am it
i am the environment of everything and nothing that makes sense of who i am
opportunist. sure
investigator.
i am somewhere in the middle of everything.
loving people and composing scenes of the music we make.
loving endlessly. it’s overwhelming, to want to give so deeply. it pours out of me in constant streams of experience i never used to share. that’s what i was missing.
i like being nestled into a corner. so many angles to work with.
that’s how i want you to fuck me. from every perspective. in every context. goddess, glorious whore, slut, spider, creature from another planet, mostly. hopefully. i become something other than my skin when i dive deep into the nectar of my abyss.
He helps me recognize what i love. helps me focus. i just love so much. want to offer my nourishment. all day, i steeped in it.
let myself experience what it’s like to express who i am and see others light up.
i was lifted in the air. handstanded on an old lover’s hands. felt stability like i’ve never felt. grounded in my experience. not resisting the wind. noticing where to work with it. sensing something emerging
i am anything i seek. my range of experience emanates from what i allow myself to perceive
++++++++++++
10:33 pm
what lies beneath?
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11:11 pm
a few days ago He told me to wear only this tank top in a video. option to remove it.
this morning i woke with anticipation in my body. i realized it had been building. in this construction of perfectly ribbed dusty mauve fabric that conforms to my curves so precisely. a hug around my midsection. i couldn’t count the number of times the thought crossed my mind. i laid it out so i could see it many times a day. remembering. a hot mess rising over and over again. i’m mastering this web of connections moment by moment.
all day i waited. moved and danced and breathed and anticipated the moment i’d get to almost undress.