Love aches in terror of its own depth

and Opens

Self portrait. February 2025

In the same room,
at the same desk,
with the same incense,
and a new candle,
I burn in the space
of emptiness.

I water my cheeks with an ocean
now spoken
and my hip aches.
Maybe from something
I did yesterday.
Maybe I’ll keep guessing,
assigning meaning.

Maybe I long
for tender kisses
and a gentle, firm embrace.
Maybe the emptiness
is deafening.

Plates and cabinets
clash on the floor below me,
and I ache.

No music is playing
and I can hear the windchimes
through wind howling —
for a moment I dream of
growing wings and of
handwritten letters and
little things to soothe me.

A woman walks alone in the window
and I wonder
does she ache, too?

Breathe in pain,
breathe out blessings.

Blessings. I want to drown in them.
What is a woman who does not want
violently?

The trick is not to
bury yourself
in the weight of it.
To open —
as inescapable
black hole gravity.

What lives on the other side of this?

The poles must pull us
into harmony
if we’re strong enough
to stay
open.

Every lesson elucidates.

You will have nothing but this ache.

You whisper to me.
Is this truth?
In hindsight I see
no lover has ever completed me —
we only thrust deeper into the
already wholeness — this —
infinite, quivering, heart aching madness.

Terrifying, Love is.

Retire your thoughts.
Unfurl as the bloom of a peony.
How many petals reaching for light?
I yearn for the spring
where I stick my nose into
fresh nectar.

It is grey and cold and raining
and I keep checking instagram,
wondering,
do they feel me?
I tell myself everyday,
success is inevitable.

Hold open this space.
I believe and I don’t know the reason.
But Taylor Swift says,
“I can do it with a broken heart,”
and I’m going with that.

As you said,
the ache is all of it,
and I see,
I’ve never not been
broken-hearted.
Only stonewalled
temporarily.

So let me now sing
of boundless loving
and divine dissatisfaction
in this quiet room,
at the same desk,
with the same incense,
and a new candle
of burning ecstasy.

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