pleasechallenge

redefining a relationship with challenge

all day i noticed the challenge i craved. wanting to push against gravity. wanting to feel a deeper urge in me. a darker, place. not dark and scary just… dark. hadn’t seen the light in a while. the body’s way of offering metaphor astounds me often. every moment i really pay attention.

first, i realized the sensation through pushups. something cracking me open to parts of me that wanted to be felt, squeezed, rubbed, scratched, dug into, heated up. heat. yes. i was feeling fiery. Kali was on my mind this morning. i spent several minutes breathing deep and exhaling with my tongue stuck out, imagining my ferocity, a fire breathing dragon lady. maybe that’s when it really started, but i didn’t have words for it until pushups.

most people, i’d venture to guess, don’t think about pushups as part of a path of enlightenment, do they? maybe they don’t realize enlightenment is simply loving, in many capacities, and many ways, to create greater awareness. it’s not linear. it’s not mental. it happens when you let your body show you. which can be frightening, especially in this society where most people, it seems to me, are afraid of interfacing with their own range of experience and its expression.

and when it comes to fucking? oooh, Kali burns down whatever is in the way of freedom’s gates.

fire can be gentle, though.

let me set the stage a little more.

i’ve begun to carry themes throughout my days. characters i’ll play. a sense of something. a quality to infuse. i become more animate - add another facet to my infinite. focus, mostly.

today’s focus (and yes, the underlying focus of all journeys) was challenge. this pushup thing. i wanted it.

do you ever get the sense of how badly you want something, but you don’t let yourself have it?

what i mean is… do you let yourself into the depth of what it feels like to want?

i sent Him a message about my experience.

i did more pushups. a direct order. i bet you’ve never been as turned on as i was to get on the ground and push push push.

i explored my ground relationship. this experience of noticing that pushing against is different than pushing through. vastly different.

pushing against is resisting experience. it is suffering.