Shut-The-Fuck-Up-I’m-Busy-Being-Magic
You are Not Who You Think You Are: Working With the Shadow | Creative Expansion Challenge Day 5
A few days ago, my mom revealed to me that for years, she’s had an idea for a book about a little girl who becomes best friends with her shadow. As she shared her dream with me, she became extremely emotional, which shocked her. I don’t think she was aware of how profound her idea was, nor how much repressed, shadowy energy it was holding.
As we continued talking about her brilliant idea, she began revealing to me all the reasons why she thought she couldn’t do it. Her illustration style wasn’t “right,” she didn’t know how the story ended, she “doesn’t know how to write,” etc. etc. etc.
You know how these things go, right? Once you start coming up with reasons why not, you can always find more. And the most paradoxical part is, often, it’s the things we want to do the most that we stop ourselves from with the greatest ferocity. We sense the vibrant, electric energy within the thing, but we believe it’s only safe to let it live secretly.
Why? It comes back to eros, shakti, life force, raw, powerful, sexual creative energy. There’s a collective sexual shame that creates a shadow within most of us around the things we deeply love and enjoy. We are afraid of what will happen if we share that electric joy — if we are witnessed in our full aliveness. It sounds crazy, right? But give it a moment to sink in. Think about a time someone asked you about a passion of yours and notice if you felt a sense of needing to dull it down, to be less excited than you actually were. Or maybe you can recall a moment when you felt sexual desire for a lover, but simultaneously told yourself it would be wrong to act upon it?
There are no wrong feelings.— Alan Watts
This dulling of our flame comes from unconscious shame and judgement.
The deeper down and further away we push a part of ourselves,, the more power it holds over us unconsciously. The more “wrong” we make it, and the more we think we need to separate from it, the more of our energy we unconsciously put into maintaining the story about why we can’t, or shouldn’t, or mustn’t have anything to do with it. It builds a sense of resentment, disconnection, isolation, despair, self pity.
But the thing about the shadow… is that it’s not bad. Not at all. These taboo, repressed, shamed, judged, denied parts of ourselves — there’s nothing wrong with them — we’re just socially conditioned to believe they’re unacceptable, and thus, our ego minds do everything they can to exclude them from our identity.
Let's change that, shall we?
Instead of habitually turning ourselves off when we’re actually most turned on, let’s intentionally accept, embrace, and celebrate the parts of ourselves we’ve denied. Shadow integration isn’t just about acknowledging that shadows exist, but actively embodying them, giving them shape, life, voice, movement… so we can release the energetic charge they hold captive, transform the shadow into a gift, and give ourselves access to the energy that was bound in an unconscious drive.
You know how they say an iceberg is 90% underwater… so is the Self, for most of us, which means the majority of our energy is going toward repressing who we are.
The Great Work of alchemy, aka practical magic, includes integrating the shadow (unconscious) to create a united will, or unio mentalis, which means we are no longer in conflict with ourselves. This is a big deal. It means we are unified within our own being; our thoughts, feelings, and will. This process brings our power back to the Self and frees our energy so we can direct it toward our conscious desires without unconsciously proverbially (or literally) cockblocking ourselves.
The Capital S Self I refer to here is the Self as animated by eros, with the spacious awareness of all that is. The infinite consciousness. The wisdom and knowing that is life itself.
Most of us operate primarily from the ego driven self, which cares about what is “right” and “wrong” and what it perceives will serve its survival… but this ego self is just an identity composed of socially conditioned stories about who we think we’re supposed to be. So basically, it’s a delusion. Whew… okay… let’s play with this.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. — C. G. Jung
