Interspersed with this collection of reflections are some writing from six-ish months ago, largely inspired by my study of human design (which I am excited to share more about in coming writings). I hope these reflections will nourish your ability and willingness to see yourself and fill in the gaps where nourishment lacks. I share innocently, with the hope of preserving, nurturing, and sharing with you the abstract truths of my own experience. My spirit is alive in all of these writings, though I thought at many times she had died. Really I just let go too soon, gave up in the midst of a process.
Nourishment for me, among many other qualities and processes, is the art of moving all the way through. Not stopping when the difficult feelings surface. Not burying them under more information. Not subduing, rather - A M P L I F Y I N G what I’m feeling. Loving it. Becoming receptive. Remaining receptive. Tuning into the power of my frequency. Opening to the transmission. Allowing myself to flow out of the spiral. Receiving the waves of pleasure and pain. Noticing with deep clarity what is leaving my body. Feeling the space it creates. Letting the dust settle. Reserving judgment. Remembering, with time and space, clarity comes. And I become. And it continues.
If power is what we’re after as humans, and it seems we are - we might as well pursue power that fills us with loving, grounded passion. In my opinion.
As I think about this, I see that, fundamentally, my power lies in my ability to nourish myself. Nourishment is a big discussion. It’s different than the mechanical mechanisms of survival. Nourishment is what allows me to expand beyond the bare minimum. To access my ability not only to fuel myself, but to empower others with my willingness to be present, and to discern whether my actions are ego driven, or spirit feeding. And… to not make myself wrong about it, but to let myself see it, whatever it is. That way, I can let the portal be transformative and spacious, rather than become a block to realizing my purpose.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about service, and those ponderings dripped into my consciousness as I was contemplating why I want more access to the power within me.
Part of it is selfish, but it’s a sort of enlightened selfishness. I see that if I have a reason to nourish myself that is powerful enough to challenge the very stubborn, restrictive parts of me - if I accept the responsibility to show up and transmit something honest and transformative - I have to be honest in my own nourishment. I have to acknowledge what I need beyond the doubt and fear. I have to observe it. Meet it. Step up. Be with the intensity of how it feels to break the pattern I was comfortable with for the majority of my years. The bare minimum. Survival state. Always on the verge of crisis, and collapsing when it became too much - when the thoughts overpowered my purpose, of lack thereof.
So it seems my power is in my purpose, too, and my ability to remember that. Power lies in my pillars of strength. How much support will I allow myself access to? What does support look like? Maybe it’s not what I think it is, but a felt sense informing me of something entirely different.
How strong is my will to live more deeply and in tune with what is given to my frequency?
It lies, too, in how I choose to direct my energy. Clear seeing. Discernment.
Am I hurting myself by holding on to a life draining belief?
Am I embracing my needs by allowing myself to break the pattern?
Am I doing both sometimes?
Can I hold all that knowledge?
Can I remember it’s safe to be this way?
Will I let myself feel what happens when the knowing rearranges me from the inside?
Will I move differently?
Will my intention to serve nourishment carry me?
It seems like mostly, I need to ask the real questions and be open to the answers and have the patience to notice which ones resonate through my being.
If nourishment is the art of moving all the way through, that must include the pain and the pleasure on the other end of the spectrum. Pain and pleasure are given together - it’s a matter of noticing when the release gives way for the shift to happen. A matter of staying present with the feeling, letting it be surprising, perhaps even pleasantly, enjoying the difference that happens in the mystery of expansion.
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From October:
Ultimately you are your own best teacher, and if you devote yourself to a practice, any practice that nourishes your spirit, you will reap the benefits of infinite points of inquiry, reflection, and refinement.
A practice grows awareness. Whether you are watering plants or practicing dance or sitting in meditation, when you show up to something (for your nourishment, - not to satisfy some external measure of goodness or rightness or… etc) with consistency, you will begin to see the nuance of your way of being. The hows and whys and whens and ifs and all the things that don’t have words.
A practice allows you to go deeper. To dig beneath belief. To see your habits & patterns in action. To notice your resistance. Your fear. Your cycles.
Your relationships with everything are reflected through your practice.
What are you fixated on noticing?
A victim story, or a story of resilience?
Something happening to you, or something opening a portal for you?
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Astrologer Rob Brezsny wrote a book called, Pronoia, which is one of my many bibles. Have you heard this word, pronoia?
Here’s his blog: https://freewillastrology.com/
Pronoia is the idea that the world is conspiring to shower your with blessings.
Let that sink in.
Here’s a practice to nourish your spirit:
Notice the blessings present in your life and let yourself be spontaneously filled with gratitude.
I mean really, give it 11 minutes.
Lie on the ground or a comfy couch or a nest of pillows, or anywhere you can sink into the comfort of your beautiful body, and feel the stream of your consciousness opening.
First, notice all the bullshit resistance to your happiness that surfaces at the beginning. Let it roll through like a tide, trusting that some pearl of wisdom, some treasure chest, some beautiful blessing will rise to the surface.
Notice if you’re judging yourself for not feeling it yet. Let that thought go, too. It’s a habit to fixate on not being ’there’ yet. It’s a habit to expect things to happen faster than they’re happening. The key is to trust that the happening is occurring in a divinely timed perfectly primed for your spirit non-linear movement.
Your consciousness is like jazz. You know the beginning leads to the end, but you’re not quite sure how it gets there. However; you do know the moment resolves into sweet bliss. Trust that. Let the journey commence.
Bring a smile to your face. Notice if that changes anything.
Take a deep breath and sigh it out with a big, resounding sound. Again, notice - is anything different?
Feel the reverberation of your own voice fill the chambers of your heartspace. Let yourself be nourished by your own frequency. This allowance is a nourishment only you can give your spirit.
Stay here, breathing, smiling, noticing, letting it be ridiculous, letting yourself cry, laugh, be confused, feel the chaos… let it all happen, with the intention of noticing the blessings.
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Back to Human Design. Maybe I’ll do a primer for you… would you be interested in that? Let me know in the comments.
I’d recommend looking yours up if you’re seeking a source of personal inquiry that is seemingly never-ending. Human design pulls largely from the I Ching, a book of wisdom laying out an archetypal journey. What HD illuminates are the specific archetypes that may be large themes in your life. It also offers a strategy and authority for every being to help navigate the complex web of choices we encounter every day.
Anyway. There’s a breadth and depth of information to delve into. If you feel the pull, venture to geneticmatrix.com to pull your chart and see if it intrigues you.
70% of the population are Generators (aka sacral beings). The word generator refers to the generation of Life Force energy. The following is a quote about the nature of being a generative force in the universe:
“The whole thing about generating is to understand that it is a long time process to get to mastery, and that the only way to mastery through the Sacral process is step-by-step. And each step has its own timeframe, has its own parameters, and each step brings the Generator to their place in which they say, “I’m stuck and I don’t know if I can stay here any longer.” This is the whole thing about Generators, that regardless of the circumstances, regardless of whether they are correctly asked and they respond, they still will have to deal with a built-in mechanism that says we’re stuck. Because what that mechanism is really saying is, “I want to get to the next level. I want to get to the next level.” And then when it gets to the next level, it says, “I want to get to the next level.””
- Ra Uru Hu
Even if you are not a Generator and even if you have no interest whatsoever in learning about human design… I wonder if you can still relate to this process of mastery.
Have you noticed your tendencies in the times you find yourself in a sort of plateau in your growth?
Do you go into some sort of desperate place, telling yourself you’ll be stuck forever? Or do you allow the stillness to happen?
The stuckness, in my experience, is a sort of integration period. A place to rest in the vortex created by all the activity that was happening and notice… am I willing to embody this? Am I willing to penetrate the feeling that “I can’t,” or “I mustn’t,” or “it isn’t safe”? Am I willing to give myself the experience I need to move to the next level of energetic mastery? Or - do I choose, out of habit, to remain at a distance, telling myself I cannot enter it - that the new form of my energetic frequency is not safe?
Know this - it is safe to penetrate yourself across all dimensions. Drop expectations of timelines and outcomes, and the experience may be more easeful.
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We repeat patterns and habits that are manifestations of our inner worlds. Of our programming.
I used to believe I didn’t have any agency over my own life.
That belief drove me to strict practices, rigid and unsupportive teachers, and a general feeling of confusion. I often wondered why I felt like I was constantly treading water. I was obsessed with the idea of control, and it had me swimming in place.
Movement helps me see the infinite world of choice I have to travel.
Movement helps me lean into my decisions and know I can safely confront the ripple effect.
Movement helps me celebrate my strength.
Movement reminds me that I can, for example, try to balance on one arm (aka take a new form) and if I fall, I can get back up.
Even if I am injured in the process, I learn my body is resilient and its mission is to carry me through this earth plane.
I learn to cultivate safety through experience.
I’ve noticed through movement that I’ll fall a lot. And because I’ve practiced, I no longer associate falling with “being stuck.”
Rise and fall and rise again. That’s the way of being human, isn’t it?
The magick of our rising back into ourselves (which is entirely different that the whole love and light transcendence BS) is in the way our brains work.
We are repeating our patterns in every arena of our lives, whether we are conscious of it out not. So… it helps to be conscious.
The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.
It’s useful to have a dedicated practice to illuminate this way.
Movement in particular is especially useful because we trust the physical experience. We trust what we can see. We learn then, to trust the way we move through space - which is the way we carry ourselves through life. And the shape we take - our posture, that is - has much more impact than we often realize.
When we move, we allow ourselves to experience the world through our senses. And senses exist far beyond the five we name. Each shape carries an energetic frequency we can enter, if we are aware of it. When we stand tall with our hearts open - it’s easier, physically - to receive love. It’s not just a statement of anatomy - it’s an experience of subtle energy. Stand shrunken and closed to the world… well that’s your transmission. One of resistance. We are constantly accumulating evidence of our own agency through the ways we be, not just mentally, but physically and spiritually. The corporeal experience has the potential to connect us with spirit, if we can harness the power to move all the way through the process of nourishment to cultivate TRUST in our bodies.
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And an emotional wave turned fantasy realized in poetic form, for your amusement:
frustrated with desire hot and bothered penetrated by anticipation of a presence my animal body in liminal space longs to know when she’ll feast on the essence of someone imagined ever since she read the first sentence “i had a feeling you’d like this one” “glad you’re my audience” “you make me smile” i want to touch him my body yearns to explore there doesn’t seem to be a way out of this feeling i’m steeping in the intensity of it growing deeper in my stillness i reach inside myself and imagine it’s your fingers journeying into unexplored territory i become entranced in a symphony of rememberings flashes of each others’ undoings I focus and let you fill me sometimes holdingtogther, takes everything f and I snap out of my body it’s as though i’m wading into an ocean of dense pleasure when your words are coloring my experience thrust yourself into my being i want your body in my consciousness your strength your willingness what training is this? be with me so i can be pooling into you slowly pulling focus
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Okay I found this right after I hit publish and it’s just too relevant not to include: