I’ve had a lot of experience with “coaches” and “mentors” who wanted to teach me “their way.”
“Their way” was the “right way” and my way needed to be “fixed,” according to them. At first, I believed them.
I didn’t fit the formula they’d bought into so… something must be wrong with ME, right? That’s what I was paying them for, right?
WRONG. So very, very wrong.
One could say “woe is me” and succumb to suffering at the hands of others, but I’ve always chosen to turn challenge into wisdom. So, what did I learn from all these experiences?
The most important things:
How to think for myself.
How to let go of dogmatic beliefs.
How to ask, “why?” and how to answer honestly.
How to trust my own gut.
How to feed my passion - my spirit.
How to learn, really.
How to love.
How to let my brilliance burn bright.
I learned self realization is not about adding more rules, beliefs, green juices, master cleanses, fancy exercise, titles, gurus to the mix to “fix” you. It’s about getting to know and trust yourself - your body, your mind, your spirit, your passion - and being disciplined in staying in integrity with that. Which requires the great challenge of letting go of what you are not.
Even in circles that proclaim to be free and open-minded, there seems more often than not to be some binding dogma. Some set of rules and limitations, however subtle, that keeps their identity “safe” by skirting around their insecurities and acting as control mechanisms. “Oh no, not there, you mustn’t look there! Don’t you dare ask that question! What if? What if you just shut up and follow orders?”
Quite disturbing to me is the fact that spirituality has become a product. It’s weird. It’s insta-trendy. It’s spiritual materialism. It’s fucked. Much like traditional organized religion, it’s been labeled, put into categories, and used against those who seek its mysteries. “Oh yes your unique spirit will guide you but… you mustn’t listen to it if it says those things.” A bit hypocritical, yes?
Some ego-driven nutjobs will sell you the belief that you’re not “spiritual enough.” And I mean really sell it to you. They’ll charge you money for their secret breath practices (inhale and exhale… it’s free my friends, just practice doing it) and blind you with their false guruism (“your spirit is telling me…”) Nope. Nope, nope nope. Don’t buy it. I say, slap those people right in the mouth and run.
Rather than appropriate it to religious or new-age arenas, we can contemplate spirit as Chip Conrad speaks of it in his book Are You Useful? “Spirit… may be simply thought of as the untouchable, non-physical aspect of what drives our flesh-packets.” Spirituality, then, would simply be our relationship with this part of ourselves. When you think of it this way, perhaps it’s a bit easier to see why nobody else can know yours better than you can.
You cannot buy your relationship with yourself. Get it? You just can’t. The solution you’re looking for lies in self reflection. It’s challenging work. But if you want the depth, you gotta dig in. Nobody, no matter how wise they proclaim to be, can do it for you. It takes real strength to let yourself know this and to take action toward your expansion. Be proud of offering yourself that challenge. No need to get down on yourself for not knowing everything yet. Growth is a never-ending process. We’re all just taking steps along our own path.
We need mentors, not gurus. The master/apprentice relationship has great value if the master’s intention is to help the apprentice hone their own craft while offering valuable insight along the way. It is not a relationship of force. It is a relationship of giving, of open communication, of trust and safety. Of course, there’s no way to know for sure what someone’s intentions are prior to experience, no matter what they say. But there is great merit in trusting your gut and paying close attention. Listening. Really listening. Not for what you want to hear, but for what’s actually being communicated, which involves watching for the actions that confirm the statements made. Without action, words are just vapor. Time-wasting and potentially manipulative vapor.
I get why we do it though: feeling insecure is uncomfortable. We want to take measures to avoid it even if those measures do restrict our enjoyment of our own life. Even if they keep us from exploring where our curiosity would otherwise take us. We want to believe things that make us feel better without really having to change anything or confront our insecurities. We accept words without proof of their truth.
Sometimes it’s hearing the words we want to hear most that deafens us most greatly to the truth. In the words of Toni Bentley, “I don’t trust love. I’ve heard it declared too often.” Or in the words of John Mayer, “love is a verb.”
If you’re gonna tell me, you better be ready to show me.
Often the words we cling to are our crutches. Bad habits. Excuses for steeping in misery. Another gem from Chip: “We pull a “let’s-just-be-friends” with our spirits, achieving only rare and brief samples of our potential in dreams, inspirations, and epiphanies. We’re too secure in our insecurities to accept the spirit through the threshold we often create for it.”
We give ourselves unnecessary limits. Tell ourselves things like,
“I wish it were easier. I just have bad luck.”
“Well they say they love me, so I should stay.”
“I’ve always done it this way.”
“I would, but I’m not [ strong ] enough.”
“I’m not ready.”
Train, damn it. Get ready. We are masters of excuse making. That is how we live the same day a million times over while placing blame on anything other than our own unwillingness to face a bit of discomfort. That pesky insecurity we feel compelled to avoid.
It’s the doing - the becoming - that makes our lives, our relationships, our experiences enriching. It’s the doing that offers us growth. It’s our choice to face the challenge of banishing excuses for weakness that becomes our strength and offers us the ability to let go of all we are not. It’s the strength we develop through challenging the dogmas that bind us that allows us to trust who we are becoming. It’s the realization of our own power to do what we thought we couldn’t, musn’t, shouldn’t, that allows us to release insecurities and the need for external validation tied to dogmatic thinking.
Practice noticing what it is that lights you up. Practice separating that from the voices that tell you it shouldn’t. Practice releasing the shame shrouding your joy as something to avoid. Practice trusting your gut. Practice tuning into your values. Practice asking why. Check in often. Stay in integrity with your own journey.
And remember… sometimes, you’re wrong. The tides will shift. A veil will drop. You will see something you hadn’t yet seen. Admitting that is a crucial and oft overlooked step to the growth you seek. That, and rest. Sometimes you just need a little space to integrate the strength you’ve been cultivating.
Xx
Faye