trust fall

i don’t just want to go to the edge, i want to move through it. trust fall into the abyss with Him. create new horizons. soften everything. melt into the ocean. climb mountains. struggle. push. grow. open.

i don’t know how to handle these feelings. you’d think i’d have a method by now for falling, but no. every time it’s different. though now, i reflect with a great deal of laughter over what i thought was everything.

it’s not like i didn’t know this was going to happen on my end - it’s just that i didn’t realize my depth would be reciprocated. challenged, even. asked to deepen.

it feels new to meet what feels like the oldest part of me. this is not some surface level bullshit. this feeling, it seems, i’ve been seeking ever since i can remember. no wonder i want to catalog every moment of dialog. quite literally. as if a recording playing in my brain, words trigger everything beyond them. we are writers whose communication spans dimensions.

tonight i noticed i’d backed away from my practice a bit the past few days. the fucking intensity of it was enough to blast my nervous system to near collapse. i mean, everything happened all at once. so fast. so much more quickly than my ability to process. it was like a bottle neck of raging emotion. anger on the surface. i’m sure i projected it onto every person and every experience.

anger about what? well, Him leaving, of course. so soon. 72 hours is not nearly enough to explore. i’m finally ready for a college education. PhD for me, please. every subject. every angle. i want to philosophize under the moonlit sky and fuck in a dungeon. that sentence - i don’t know where that came from. the outer reaches of me. places i’ve not been before i met Him. funny how certain someones draw the aliveness out of me.

with Him, everything unfolds purposefully
with enough space for nature’s course
to weave through us
a beautiful fractal
spiraling
softening
into each other
gracefully
painfully distant
fuck me
excruciating
shared secrets
naked selves
beyond definition
released from confines
of everyday notions

no grasping. just loving
no pushing, just allowing the force to pour through our connection.

there was more than enough, yet we’ve only just begun. overwhelmed with experience. overwhelmed with emotion. suddenly noticing, it feels safe to be overwhelmed with something other than the force of my own solitude.

“we’ve created a wonderful monster,” He tells me.

i want More. sometimes i am afraid of my wanting.

tonight i faced it.

made a playlist: music is tied for first with fingers as my favorite tool to fuck myself with.

i don’t know how you define fucking, but for me it’s all encompassing. it’s the rolling waves of creation with the moment i find myself writing new narratives with again and again.

the journey.

it’s selfish to seek pleasure without contrast. it’s wise to allow every angle to penetrate me. information feeds itself deeper into my mythology as i unwind the old stories through my breathing, releasing, sighs, heaving, needing to be felt, needing to dispel the fucking shame i’ve been feeling.

i’ve had experiences of hating people lately. i hated feeling that way and not knowing how to express it lovingly.

that’s when i have to fuck it through me.

sometimes the safest boundary is fucking yourself when you are tempted to fuck someone you feel presents a false pretense. (note to self)

i digress from the good stuff, though.

tonight i just let myself go. wildness consumed me. the music carried me through exactly what i needed to process. i finally felt a deeper breath after what seemed like weeks but was really just 48 hours. not that time means anything. when we fucked i felt eternity in i don’t know how many positions. the space is still open. i suppose that’s part of the reason it’s so excruciating.

i let myself go deep into it. a swamp thing stripper. fucked myself clean. wanted to lap up every part of me i could. exploring all the edges i thought i wasn’t allowed to. being all of it. because why the fuck not express exactly who i am. if not with this man, then with who?

“the only way to trust, is to trust,” a teacher once told me. i’m finally ready to fall into that lesson.