your whole body swells with life
take in more
there is no elaborate ritual.
you can simply pause, breathe, and decide.
not just one time. over and over and over.
you can decide to let go of the thoughts.
you can decide to let go of the worries.
you can decide to let go of the tension against the very life that is urging its way out of you.
you can get mad at me for saying it is this simple but i’m okay with that. admitting the simplicity is the most fucked up part.
there’s nothing wrong.
you can continue to listen to life.
if you’re in control of your breath, you’re in control of your life. a teacher said that once. i think it’s mostly true.
isn’t it embarrassing to know how simple it is? how you could’ve just chosen?
you start telling yourself, well you didn’t choose, there’s no way you would’ve chosen that. but you did, didn’t you? couldn’t have been any other way. useless holding on
in any case, if the only thing you practice regularly is breathing, paying attention to your breath, the rest will majorly fall into place. the choices. the effort. the direction. you must get to know the terrain. the terrain is your nervous system, but they didn’t tell you that.
like i was saying, start feeling your breath and your body.
you’ll notice the world opens up.
you’ll notice more.
you’ll feel.
more.
things will seem quieter,
calmer,
deeper.
life will reach out to you.
you won’t understand.
you won’t have words for the feeling.
it’s new, unpredictable. dangerous.
a wave you can’t see the bottom of, or the top of,
but you feel its momentum carrying you toward an edge.
imagine the effort to hold yourself from falling.
fall.
angels fall. they drown in themselves.
you don’t fall because something is wrong with you.
you’re not a problem. you don’t need fixing.
defy the urge to resist yourself.
indulge your uprising.
what are you if not a channel for the surge of energy pulsing through the center you feel as yourself?
admit it. you know how to control the nuclear reactor inside you. you’ve touched it. you’ve tasted it. you’ve felt the power of the one nobody knows about. the one humming inside. inside the darkness. inside the hidden places.
you want to feel it. you want to feel it in bed at 1 am while it’s soft storming and the rain drums at your ears and the lightning… you want to feel it in public, his hand dangerously high between your thighs under the table. you whimpering. you pulling life through you.
you want it?
reveal the nerve endings.
release. open. become wanting. full of life and desire for life. feel.
you need to want to be penetrated by life.
to feel every pulsing atom permeated with consciousness, penetrating the field that is you. your ripple, your unfolding, your story, your hand reaching out to mine.
you need to want it so much so bad so all consuming that you choose to breathe through decades of thorns and violence and into the current that is now.
you remember need is not a bad word.
you do this over. and over. and over.
you metabolize life so that you are living here. in the clear stream, open, wet, thirsty, salivating, as much as possible.
your tongue to the waters of vital energy.
life feels safe, real, open.
life feels alive.
you want more.
you want to love. you want to be known. you remember how to ask a question. you remember some people are curious, they just want to know. they are delighted. there are joyful people. you remember. you remember rollerblading and falling and laughing and hot pink and magenta and the specific color teal of all your clothes when you were that age. you remember warm water bottles in the shape of a lamb with a red satin heart and soft, soft ears. you remember going to sleep with the water bottle. so young, you just wanted warmth to hold.
you remember everything you’d forgotten. you think you remembered it all. more always comes. you let it. different journals. different colors of ink. you’ve stopped trying to differentiate wrong or right. the moment something crystallizes it dissolves.
life feels safer. your whole body swells with life. your throat, your toes, your tongue is brimming with consciousness. your pussy pulses mid sentence and with every letter you feel it.
you feel it over and over and over and you take it.
you take life in.
you take yourself in.
you become more alive.
you breathe.
I’m breathing after reading this - thank you Faye x
That self portrait, the orange wall and the silhouette is stunning!!!!!🤩