(almost)34-year-old single male artist. Think I’ll have to go with “lose the plot”.
I’ve been contemplating this exact dilemma after my therapist asked me this week “what’s it going to take for you to not get instantly bored doing something you really don’t wanna do?”
Wonderful article, lots to think about, and always love a Rilke quote!
A compulsion indeed. I think (from looking at my life) the only choice is to ignore it and go insane in a destructive way… or heed its call and go creatively insane. But I’m really not sure that’s a choice either.
At least you’ve made something from the wackiness, channeled it into someplace which is better than containing it, bottling it up. That way lies totally uncontrolled insanity. I think it’s better if it’s a least slightly controlled, don’t you?
I had similar experiences, mine connected to violence which is a kind of self destructive behavior. But no more. I just wrote a poem early this morning about a young waitress setting the tables for the day. Just in little things like that I maintain the wacko.
Proud of you for doing what feels right. What fills you up. You are honestly in a better place than 99% of people who are living a life they think they should.
I SO relate, sister!! ALLLL I ever wanna do is wake up completely free to create something out of nothing. Every day. I love the fact that we artists can support each other from afar through the aether to be/come who we are. Love to you, Faye!! ❤️
This is something I needed now. It’s been playing in my brain the last few months how there’s gotta be a way I can earn money without crushing myself and going the employee life . I’ve done girl bossing too, creating my own copywriting business and that left me burnt out as well. Probably because I hated marketing 😩
I’m sending to the universe a wish to Please help me use my gifts, my creativity, my poetry, my sensitivity to help support me financially in a way that feels aligned and nourishing. I'll send those prayers out for all of us.
Also I love that you became close friends with your parents. It’s the sweetest thing . To circle back past the traumas we integrate. 💙
Sending out prayers with you Chaya 💗💗💗 I know we will find our ways if we just keep paying attention and creating what feels supportive and leaning into this edges. We’ve got this
I lived with my parents a number of years ago, in my mom's later years, and though it was sorta dark, I'm glad I got to spend those years with her. She passed in 2017, but looking back I wouldn't have changed much.
I’m glad you got to spend that time with her. I feel like it ends up being a 20/20 hindsight thing for a lot of people - I wish I had when I could’ve. Grateful to be doing it while I can
I'm so glad you are going for it, Faye. Your truthful and you have the power to say what you see. My god, is that ever necessary.
I can relate to what you're saying. I almost squandered my life getting a PhD. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went to graduate school. Such a fuck up of a choice. But I didn't know where the hell to go, like you're describing. I remember people sitting around the seminar table saying what they would've done had they not been in the program. Business this, teaching that. I said I'd be on the street.
And I believed it.
Your truth telling and creativity are vital. I admire your daring. I'd say keep at it, but you don't need any advice.
I so appreciate the support Jeremy. Truly I am touched by your attention and reflection. I have always thought that in another timeline I’d have gone the phd route, but I couldn’t even get through the first year of college so that kinda went out the window. Regardless, I totally understand the allure - especially for one who just loves to learn. Was it really a total fuck up though? I’m sure you learned something, even if it wasn’t the intended thing.
A little synchronicity. I’ve read a few times in the past month about the idea that what the student learned is rarely directly related to what the teacher is intending to teach.
You're right about unintentional learning. I feel like that's been my experience always. And maybe that's how it's supposed to be.
And you're also right about grad school not being a total fuck up (though it was hell on many levels). I'm still embittered by my experience. Being here on Substack is helping. And I did have time to do a lot of reading, and I gained exposure to ideas and sources I might not have encountered otherwise. I am better for it, but I also retain a deep alienation because of my education which I'm trying to work with.
This is one reason why I connect with what you do. I admire your ability to put the spiritual-sensual side of yourself, your mind, your art, your intelligence front and center. I relate to that but I would be reluctant to do so myself because of my own vulnerabilities. I am working on that, too. There's trauma there.
I read what you write with interest (and delight) because I know I have much to learn not just from what you say, but how you say it. And I respect your drive and desire not to lose what yiunhave and are to a job or a marriage or a type of conformity associated with mainstream markers like how much money you make or what your title is. I'm sure that's not easy. I don't know how you imagined your life to go, but facing the artifical images we get handed to us, and choosing to discard them, takes a lot of effort. But you know all this already, I do not doubt.
I imagine other people must tell you that what you are doing is marvelous, but let me add my name to that list, Faye.
This is the most touching feedback I could wish for. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It is easy to feel like there is an invisible digital wall up sometimes and you are brilliant at breaking right through it.
Over the past couple years writing here, I have realized I share what I do, in the way I do, because it's what I wished I had when I was initially moving through these challenges, and also an ongoing way to keep myself accountable for my own growth. Like you said, It's easy to rely on external "answers" to our "problems," but eventually we see how they're not problems at all - just differences from what's expected.
I'm so grateful to get to be a reminder of that in as many ways as I can.
There is something genuinely intoxicating about communicating across digital space. I suppose it's like writing letters used to be. I appreciate being able to ‘talk’ like this in writing. It's not that I don't value conversations in a face-to-face sense, but I appreciate how a carefully chosen set of words can actually connect us. And I like knowing that if words are our art (or one of our arts), I can try and use mine with compassion and care to try and break through the digital barrier, as you so kindly put it.
(almost)34-year-old single male artist. Think I’ll have to go with “lose the plot”.
I’ve been contemplating this exact dilemma after my therapist asked me this week “what’s it going to take for you to not get instantly bored doing something you really don’t wanna do?”
Wonderful article, lots to think about, and always love a Rilke quote!
Hahahaha oh damn what a question. I feel attacked 😂 but also the struggle is real. Just lose the plot. It’s gonna be fine. Rilke says so
100% you will make money doing what you love. It will all come xx
Thank you lovely ♥️♥️♥️
Captures a lot of the insanity of living a creative life because it is a compulsion, not really a choice.
A compulsion indeed. I think (from looking at my life) the only choice is to ignore it and go insane in a destructive way… or heed its call and go creatively insane. But I’m really not sure that’s a choice either.
At least you’ve made something from the wackiness, channeled it into someplace which is better than containing it, bottling it up. That way lies totally uncontrolled insanity. I think it’s better if it’s a least slightly controlled, don’t you?
Ha! I know it’s better. Uncontrolled for me looked like destroying myself in any way I could
I had similar experiences, mine connected to violence which is a kind of self destructive behavior. But no more. I just wrote a poem early this morning about a young waitress setting the tables for the day. Just in little things like that I maintain the wacko.
Ha! your next poetry book - maintaining the wacko.
That would be a good name...
Your need to be you, to be free, to be your own answer poor from the page. You can’t be hemmed in but must fly free
absolutely 🦅
Proud of you for doing what feels right. What fills you up. You are honestly in a better place than 99% of people who are living a life they think they should.
Thank you for saying this. It makes me breath a little deeper into my heart
I SO relate, sister!! ALLLL I ever wanna do is wake up completely free to create something out of nothing. Every day. I love the fact that we artists can support each other from afar through the aether to be/come who we are. Love to you, Faye!! ❤️
Yes yessss you creative queen 🌹 you inspire me to keep be/coming. Love to you too Jac ❤️🔥❤️🔥
This is something I needed now. It’s been playing in my brain the last few months how there’s gotta be a way I can earn money without crushing myself and going the employee life . I’ve done girl bossing too, creating my own copywriting business and that left me burnt out as well. Probably because I hated marketing 😩
I’m sending to the universe a wish to Please help me use my gifts, my creativity, my poetry, my sensitivity to help support me financially in a way that feels aligned and nourishing. I'll send those prayers out for all of us.
Also I love that you became close friends with your parents. It’s the sweetest thing . To circle back past the traumas we integrate. 💙
Sending out prayers with you Chaya 💗💗💗 I know we will find our ways if we just keep paying attention and creating what feels supportive and leaning into this edges. We’ve got this
I lived with my parents a number of years ago, in my mom's later years, and though it was sorta dark, I'm glad I got to spend those years with her. She passed in 2017, but looking back I wouldn't have changed much.
I’m glad you got to spend that time with her. I feel like it ends up being a 20/20 hindsight thing for a lot of people - I wish I had when I could’ve. Grateful to be doing it while I can
Keep dancing with mom at the grocery store haha
Absofuckinglutely
I'm so glad you are going for it, Faye. Your truthful and you have the power to say what you see. My god, is that ever necessary.
I can relate to what you're saying. I almost squandered my life getting a PhD. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went to graduate school. Such a fuck up of a choice. But I didn't know where the hell to go, like you're describing. I remember people sitting around the seminar table saying what they would've done had they not been in the program. Business this, teaching that. I said I'd be on the street.
And I believed it.
Your truth telling and creativity are vital. I admire your daring. I'd say keep at it, but you don't need any advice.
I so appreciate the support Jeremy. Truly I am touched by your attention and reflection. I have always thought that in another timeline I’d have gone the phd route, but I couldn’t even get through the first year of college so that kinda went out the window. Regardless, I totally understand the allure - especially for one who just loves to learn. Was it really a total fuck up though? I’m sure you learned something, even if it wasn’t the intended thing.
A little synchronicity. I’ve read a few times in the past month about the idea that what the student learned is rarely directly related to what the teacher is intending to teach.
You're right about unintentional learning. I feel like that's been my experience always. And maybe that's how it's supposed to be.
And you're also right about grad school not being a total fuck up (though it was hell on many levels). I'm still embittered by my experience. Being here on Substack is helping. And I did have time to do a lot of reading, and I gained exposure to ideas and sources I might not have encountered otherwise. I am better for it, but I also retain a deep alienation because of my education which I'm trying to work with.
This is one reason why I connect with what you do. I admire your ability to put the spiritual-sensual side of yourself, your mind, your art, your intelligence front and center. I relate to that but I would be reluctant to do so myself because of my own vulnerabilities. I am working on that, too. There's trauma there.
I read what you write with interest (and delight) because I know I have much to learn not just from what you say, but how you say it. And I respect your drive and desire not to lose what yiunhave and are to a job or a marriage or a type of conformity associated with mainstream markers like how much money you make or what your title is. I'm sure that's not easy. I don't know how you imagined your life to go, but facing the artifical images we get handed to us, and choosing to discard them, takes a lot of effort. But you know all this already, I do not doubt.
I imagine other people must tell you that what you are doing is marvelous, but let me add my name to that list, Faye.
This is the most touching feedback I could wish for. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It is easy to feel like there is an invisible digital wall up sometimes and you are brilliant at breaking right through it.
Over the past couple years writing here, I have realized I share what I do, in the way I do, because it's what I wished I had when I was initially moving through these challenges, and also an ongoing way to keep myself accountable for my own growth. Like you said, It's easy to rely on external "answers" to our "problems," but eventually we see how they're not problems at all - just differences from what's expected.
I'm so grateful to get to be a reminder of that in as many ways as I can.
There is something genuinely intoxicating about communicating across digital space. I suppose it's like writing letters used to be. I appreciate being able to ‘talk’ like this in writing. It's not that I don't value conversations in a face-to-face sense, but I appreciate how a carefully chosen set of words can actually connect us. And I like knowing that if words are our art (or one of our arts), I can try and use mine with compassion and care to try and break through the digital barrier, as you so kindly put it.
I'm grateful we can share, Faye. 🙏