The Power of Dark Desire

Casual Everyday Orgasmic Actualizing

As the orgasm washed through my body, I realized with crystal clarity: the dark feminine holds the key to our most foundational, and therefore most powerful desire: selfish desire. 

Thwooooooop. Let’s time travel. 

A year ago I asked Luke, “what do you want to see more of from me?”

“Duality,” he told me. “You’re very light. For a brief moment, go very dark.”

I remember being confused… I felt plenty dark, all the time. Dark like I was stuck in the bottom of a swamp. Dark like I was in an unending cavern of despair. Oooh I kinda liked it there.

But that’s the thing… the swamp was inside of me. I didn’t realize it until later, but that’s why he couldn’t see it. 

That’s why I felt so out of my element when he asked for duality. 

My dark queen was hidden in the shadows, and there was a younger part of me (the snarky 17-year old, who is now one of my greatest allies) that was afraid to acknowledge it. But I knew her in my bones. My pussy purred for her emergence. 

So I did what I do best: I started searching for character inspiration. 

Lilith is the primordial she-demon who was banished from the Garden of Eden, supposedly for not obeying Adam. And one of her daughters, Mazikeen, has one of my favorite character arcs on the show Lucifer; she’s a demon who finds her soul. 

Maze (yeah, we’re on a nickname basis) is dark as they come. She hunts humans for fun. Indulges in every vice you could dream of. And isn’t one teensy bit shy about owning her sexuality. She even hangs a sex swing in her living room.

Mazikeen embraces the taboo… because to her, it’s not taboo. To her, the darkness is an inherent part of life. 

What I love about her development is that, as is often the case for us mortals whose parents and subsequent relationships fucked us up in one way or another, her journey begins with a fixation on selfish desire and a sense of self loathing. 

She’s all I want this and I want that and if I don’t get it, Lucifer hates me, Lucifer is abandoning me.

But as the story progresses and she forms a deeper relationship with herself and the others around her, something in her awareness shifts. Her willingness to fulfill her own dark, selfish desire becomes fuel for her desire to serve and connect with others.

Where she once found pleasure in the sheer act of torture, she now finds pleasure and purpose in defending the honor and safety of those she cares about.

Where she once was satisfied by meaningless sex with anything beautiful and breathing, she now finds her desire for true love and commitment. 

And she never would have gotten there had she not first been immersed in the realm of her own needs. 

When I say selfish desire, what do you think?

Maybe something like, “Oh, no, I’m not supposed to be selfish!” 

Yeah. I used to be hyper-identified with that thought, too. Until I realized that dark desire — selfish desire — is the foundation of how we come to know ourselves. 

I remember working with a mentor several years ago who asked me about my selfish desires. The ones that were “taboo.” The ones I wouldn’t let myself want. The ones that thrust me into shutdown.

It was everything from chocolate cake to alone time to juicy sex to money. And even when I said the desires, they were laced with the babble of the spiritual ego’s selflessness.

Like wanting money but only so I could give gifts to my beloved. Wanting a thriving business but only because I needed to be of service to the world. Wanting to wear luxurious fabrics but only because it would support me in embodying the person I thought I needed to be to have the business persona I thought I needed to have. 

There were all these weird, twisted ulterior motives to my desires. 

My spiritual ego was like, no, no, you very bad girl, you’re not allowed to want what you want. 

I wonder what Mary Oliver would have to say about that. 

Oh wait, I know:

“You only have to let the soft animal of your body want what it wants.”

It seems obvious - that you have to let yourself want if you’re ever going to have. 

Yet the spiritual ego does a bang up job of telling us, “you’re not supposed to want to have.”

But you can’t pour from an empty cup. And refusing to acknowledge selfish desire while also desiring to give is precisely the experience of trying to pour from an empty cup.

When we talk about darkness, taboo, selfishness… a lot of us immediately put our guards up. Because it is painful to acknowledge our desire. It is confronting to face the cavernous longing. It’s A LOT for our nervous systems to handle. It’s A LOT for our psyches to fathom… the infinite.

And listen, I’m not saying that getting the thing is the key to your happiness…

but that letting yourself want the thing — and this is important, so pay attention —  and becoming the one who receives it, is the single most potent key to a sense of fulfillment.

Because baaaaaaaby that longing is never gonna go away. And there’s no use trying to subdue it. 

So make like Mazikeen. Own the ever-living fuck out of your desire — taboo, selfish, dark, dirty — let each desire be an entrypoint deeper into your soul, your psyche, your body.

Or else? Desire will rule you covertly. 

And here’s the most important cherry on top you’ve ever eaten… like one of those super fancy dripping in juice deep red cherries you wish you got more than one of in your fancy drink.

Let yourself want… let yourself take the shape of the one who receives… 

without being attached to getting it

and without losing trust in the magic of your process.

Because just like an orgasm… the moment you’re attached to getting it in a certain way on a certain timeline, is the moment you start pushing it away. 

And actually, the transformative fire of your desire is held in the act of yearning itself.