Thank you Wes! Oh, yes, most definitely a greatbeginning. I actually had to cut this piece by about 2/3... I realized I would've been rushing the story, but I'm excited to reveal this one slowly.
Absolutely. And funny you say that. I was talking to my beau this morning about how dating culture has been so terribly distorted through dating apps. Nowadays people are expected to reveal the most important things about themselves on a short profile like a job interview. It totally removes the romance and beauty of the slow reveal and the magic of courtship. I was lucky that he courted me... but I also wouldn't have had it any other way.
Oh, Faye! We've all been there, I think. Thanks for sharing and for being wise enough and committed to change enough to reflect on all those bad relationships to figure out what you really needed, to claim it and own it. Thank you especially for your #1, that makes perfect sense. Right there with you. And I shout "AMEN!" to your #3. I am so glad you finally found the right one!! XO
Thank you Danielle! I so appreciate your thoughtful and heartfelt comments. It's an honor to be witnessed and felt by you, and makes me feel so happy to be reminded I am not alone on the journey. Deep bows to you for your depth and devotion 🍯👁️
We are never alone, Faye! True Sacred Feminines recognize all those who came before and draw on their strength and wisdom through our intuition. However, I do realize that it can make for a very lonely way of Being at times, so I am always delighted and pleased to find other, in real life SFs to share this life with. Thank you for being one of them! XO
Yes absolutely! I am so grateful to have crossed paths with you ♥️ and for the friends and teachers I’ve had along this way who helped me trust my knowing. But yeah… like I said in the post as I know you know - to be polarizing can sometimes leave one very alone. It is exciting to be finding community here
Thank you for sharing the vulnerability of your journey! I always love it when someone can articulate the reasons something just feels ‘off’ with polyamory as you did. Also, I don’t know if you know of Om Rupani but he’s a bdsm teacher who has a great quote about polyamory. He says it’s like the guy who gets all dressed up and goes out for the night and projects put to the word that his life is amazing and so exciting (“look at how amazing my relationship life is!!!”) but just before that he was sitting in the dark hunched over on his bed alone w a bag of chips zoned out sad (or something like that🤣) Because these people can’t even hold any depth in one relationship let alone 2 or 3🤦🏻♀️
Thank you for reading and and feeling me <33333 I haven't heard of Om Rupani but wow, that is an amazingly evocative image. It resonates so deeply with my experience. also makes me laugh out loud. Yeah it's so interesting... they confuse putting their fingers in every pot for going deep into one. Like they have a whole library of books but they've only ever read the titles.
This reminds me of something else I heard as a "justification" for polyamory that made me shake my head. It was something like. "you have a favorite meal... but you don't eat the same meal for dinner every night because eventually it would get boring." and went on to say something about how one person could never satisfy all your needs. There are sooo many issues with that argument I just can't even.. the most glaring being the assumption that the eternal longing would ever cease to exist... and the other that we don't evolve and expand within relationships. But you know. small details.
Absolutely! I agree with you…and I think the person who desires multiple partners out of ‘boredom’ is no different than the person who desires ‘the one’ out of longing. Both are reckoning with desire. Both are clinging to a fantasy. Like you said that longing is eternal…if people could just meet that itself instead of all these evil genius ways to avoid it😂
Hahahha yessss total evil genius. It is one of the hardest pills to swallow. "Hey actually, you're literally always going to ache." But then, oh, how the ache for the divine becomes ecstatic!
I learn a lot from reading you. My own relationship journey was so different. Met my now wife when I was 19 (she was 20). We were kids who grew each other up together. We didn’t start with the hard won self knowledge you brought to your relationship with Luke. Whatever growth and learning has happened, it has occurred along the way.
Question (don’t feel like you need to respond): Of what you now know, what do you think would have been hard to learn had your relationship trajectory looked more like mine?
Probably hard to answer given all the variables life entails. But if something quickly and easily comes to mind, and you’re willing to share, I’d be interested to hear.
The most obvious to me is the power of longing itself, and my core desire for a relationship with god/goddess. I didn't grow up in an atmosphere of faith or spirituality and went through a period of denying god, I think because I was profoundly hurt and confused by my longing and my seeming inability to touch it.
Going through all these relationships and experiencing over and over, that no matter the man, I still wasn't touching what I wanted to touch, was a catalytic process that revealed the core of my longing, and illuminated both my denial of and desire to experience something greater than myself. And to do that specifically through a loving relationship.
Though who knows. I was on the brink of getting married at 25, and the night before my bachelorette party I was penetrated with so much physical pain I realized I couldn't go through with it.
The more I reflect, the clearer it becomes that this was always going to be my path, and that each relationship was just another reflection of where I was cutting myself off from god. And as much as my alone time has been important for developing my sense of creativity and passion, it has been within relationship, specifically being witnessed and held by Luke, that I've healed my shame and wounding around the depth of my desires.
My heart is both broken and mended through this piece — I hate the suffering you endured, but I’m in awe of where you stand today. You’ve got me thinking about the “why won’t women get married anymore” discourse. And you’ve just described it…many of us have figured out we can’t be in relationships until we love ourselves. BUT once we start loving ourselves it’s so much easier to say no to relationships and people that don’t serve us!!!
Oh this is so beautiful to receive Caroline. Thank you. I can’t imagine anything better than to offer a space for your heart to mend. 💗And that is such a good point. Once we recognize our inherent worthiness of love and the search is no longer in the quest for perfection or in being chosen by someone, we’re free to operate from our own desire. I’ve noticed an interesting tipping point, where we find a sense of sovereignty, then fear we may lose ourselves again in a commitment
Yep kissing many frogs before meeting your Prince of Hearts is a familiar journey, entangled with childhood trauma and growing into our Queenship. Well done, Rapunzel!
Thanks for this Faye. I had a very different experience, having grown up in a conservative religious environment that did not encourage sexual expression (to say the least). I eventually met my husband who was not a part of this environment and had a very different background. To some extent, our relationship, provided the safety, the boundaries (very different ones than the religious environment of my childhood) I needed so that I could learn I had a self with agency and desires, and then learn to act and live out of that place. My partner has also grown a lot around the idea of self over the years, and we continue to grow together.
Very good stuff Faye. I do like an ending like yours, and of course that’s really just a great beginning.
Thank you Wes! Oh, yes, most definitely a greatbeginning. I actually had to cut this piece by about 2/3... I realized I would've been rushing the story, but I'm excited to reveal this one slowly.
I think we can agree that a slow reveal is better...
Absolutely. And funny you say that. I was talking to my beau this morning about how dating culture has been so terribly distorted through dating apps. Nowadays people are expected to reveal the most important things about themselves on a short profile like a job interview. It totally removes the romance and beauty of the slow reveal and the magic of courtship. I was lucky that he courted me... but I also wouldn't have had it any other way.
Oh, Faye! We've all been there, I think. Thanks for sharing and for being wise enough and committed to change enough to reflect on all those bad relationships to figure out what you really needed, to claim it and own it. Thank you especially for your #1, that makes perfect sense. Right there with you. And I shout "AMEN!" to your #3. I am so glad you finally found the right one!! XO
Thank you Danielle! I so appreciate your thoughtful and heartfelt comments. It's an honor to be witnessed and felt by you, and makes me feel so happy to be reminded I am not alone on the journey. Deep bows to you for your depth and devotion 🍯👁️
We are never alone, Faye! True Sacred Feminines recognize all those who came before and draw on their strength and wisdom through our intuition. However, I do realize that it can make for a very lonely way of Being at times, so I am always delighted and pleased to find other, in real life SFs to share this life with. Thank you for being one of them! XO
Yes absolutely! I am so grateful to have crossed paths with you ♥️ and for the friends and teachers I’ve had along this way who helped me trust my knowing. But yeah… like I said in the post as I know you know - to be polarizing can sometimes leave one very alone. It is exciting to be finding community here
Thank you for sharing the vulnerability of your journey! I always love it when someone can articulate the reasons something just feels ‘off’ with polyamory as you did. Also, I don’t know if you know of Om Rupani but he’s a bdsm teacher who has a great quote about polyamory. He says it’s like the guy who gets all dressed up and goes out for the night and projects put to the word that his life is amazing and so exciting (“look at how amazing my relationship life is!!!”) but just before that he was sitting in the dark hunched over on his bed alone w a bag of chips zoned out sad (or something like that🤣) Because these people can’t even hold any depth in one relationship let alone 2 or 3🤦🏻♀️
The leaky container thing as you said- 100%
Thank you for reading and and feeling me <33333 I haven't heard of Om Rupani but wow, that is an amazingly evocative image. It resonates so deeply with my experience. also makes me laugh out loud. Yeah it's so interesting... they confuse putting their fingers in every pot for going deep into one. Like they have a whole library of books but they've only ever read the titles.
This reminds me of something else I heard as a "justification" for polyamory that made me shake my head. It was something like. "you have a favorite meal... but you don't eat the same meal for dinner every night because eventually it would get boring." and went on to say something about how one person could never satisfy all your needs. There are sooo many issues with that argument I just can't even.. the most glaring being the assumption that the eternal longing would ever cease to exist... and the other that we don't evolve and expand within relationships. But you know. small details.
Absolutely! I agree with you…and I think the person who desires multiple partners out of ‘boredom’ is no different than the person who desires ‘the one’ out of longing. Both are reckoning with desire. Both are clinging to a fantasy. Like you said that longing is eternal…if people could just meet that itself instead of all these evil genius ways to avoid it😂
Hahahha yessss total evil genius. It is one of the hardest pills to swallow. "Hey actually, you're literally always going to ache." But then, oh, how the ache for the divine becomes ecstatic!
Love that🌹🌹🌹
I love your vulnerability, your courage.
thank you Wendy, I'm grateful for your time, attention, and kind words 🩵
I learn a lot from reading you. My own relationship journey was so different. Met my now wife when I was 19 (she was 20). We were kids who grew each other up together. We didn’t start with the hard won self knowledge you brought to your relationship with Luke. Whatever growth and learning has happened, it has occurred along the way.
Question (don’t feel like you need to respond): Of what you now know, what do you think would have been hard to learn had your relationship trajectory looked more like mine?
Probably hard to answer given all the variables life entails. But if something quickly and easily comes to mind, and you’re willing to share, I’d be interested to hear.
Oh, this is a great question.
The most obvious to me is the power of longing itself, and my core desire for a relationship with god/goddess. I didn't grow up in an atmosphere of faith or spirituality and went through a period of denying god, I think because I was profoundly hurt and confused by my longing and my seeming inability to touch it.
Going through all these relationships and experiencing over and over, that no matter the man, I still wasn't touching what I wanted to touch, was a catalytic process that revealed the core of my longing, and illuminated both my denial of and desire to experience something greater than myself. And to do that specifically through a loving relationship.
Though who knows. I was on the brink of getting married at 25, and the night before my bachelorette party I was penetrated with so much physical pain I realized I couldn't go through with it.
The more I reflect, the clearer it becomes that this was always going to be my path, and that each relationship was just another reflection of where I was cutting myself off from god. And as much as my alone time has been important for developing my sense of creativity and passion, it has been within relationship, specifically being witnessed and held by Luke, that I've healed my shame and wounding around the depth of my desires.
I read this a few times so I could really take it in. Beautiful!
I’m so glad you asked! Such a valuable reflection
My heart is both broken and mended through this piece — I hate the suffering you endured, but I’m in awe of where you stand today. You’ve got me thinking about the “why won’t women get married anymore” discourse. And you’ve just described it…many of us have figured out we can’t be in relationships until we love ourselves. BUT once we start loving ourselves it’s so much easier to say no to relationships and people that don’t serve us!!!
Oh this is so beautiful to receive Caroline. Thank you. I can’t imagine anything better than to offer a space for your heart to mend. 💗And that is such a good point. Once we recognize our inherent worthiness of love and the search is no longer in the quest for perfection or in being chosen by someone, we’re free to operate from our own desire. I’ve noticed an interesting tipping point, where we find a sense of sovereignty, then fear we may lose ourselves again in a commitment
Yep kissing many frogs before meeting your Prince of Hearts is a familiar journey, entangled with childhood trauma and growing into our Queenship. Well done, Rapunzel!
Thank you, Verinoka! I'm grateful to be in good company. It's quite the mythic quest!
Princesses in our own fairytales 🧚🏽
At least we managed to 'write a happy ending' for ourselves, which I consider a big achievement...
A *crowning* achievement, pehaps 😉
Thanks for this Faye. I had a very different experience, having grown up in a conservative religious environment that did not encourage sexual expression (to say the least). I eventually met my husband who was not a part of this environment and had a very different background. To some extent, our relationship, provided the safety, the boundaries (very different ones than the religious environment of my childhood) I needed so that I could learn I had a self with agency and desires, and then learn to act and live out of that place. My partner has also grown a lot around the idea of self over the years, and we continue to grow together.