Things have been shifting. I’m looking through a new lens. Clearer. More grounded.
I wonder if you’ve been in one of these places, where you have finally found the strength to confront the dissonance that weighed heavy in your mind and heart. The things that distorted, distracted, manipulated your attention purely because you invested in it and didn’t know how to let go.
On a recent drive home from North Carolina I had an epiphany. Movement. I want to share it. In fact, this is what I’ve wanted to do for as long as I can remember wanting to do anything. I want to train people to become better versions of themselves, in a more profound way than just the development of their muscles.
I want to make my practice into something that better serves my tribe by teaching them how to better serve themselves. I want to serve the small tribe I’m currently part of, a larger one I wish to build, and the planet as a whole. Perhaps I initiate only a small ripple, but every step counts. Especially when most of the planet seems to be operating on fallacious thinking.
I am here now. I have been here before, but never quite like this.
It appears to me I’ve always seen things a bit differently than the majority. It seems I was operating on a value system I wasn’t quite aware of. And actually, that is what changed everything. Bringing deeper awareness to my values. Noticing that when this subconscious part of me became illuminated through my own will, my purpose became a deeper reality.
Before, I was floating.
I was, perhaps, a bit too much of an optimist. An idealist. Too quick to believe in the presentation and declaration of good intentions. The problem with that is that people only know what they’ve been exposed to. Experienced. Many of us live in echo chambers. Not a new thought to be seen. Yes men everywhere you turn.
I, in turn, have adopted more skepticism. Become familiar again with my infatuation with critical thinking.
Somewhere along the road, I became estranged from my sharp wit. I am wont to believe I buried it when I was around 17, blinded by the promise of social acceptance via acquiring a narcissist (really a narcissist, not just selfish) boyfriend. This was my formative relationship - one in which I learned to give up my power, my opinion, my intelligence, just to avoid yet another argument, game of belittling, or moronically conjured accusation.
But he always apologized and said he’d change, and I so desperately wanted to believe it. So, that became a part of my belief system.
I was too trusting of words over action. Wanting to believe the ideal could be realized, I was quick to dismiss my own doubts. Additionally, it seems I acquired the belief that it was unkind to doubt someone who swore they only wanted the best for me.
Fast forward many years and I saw the cycle repeating. Not in such close quarters as a romantic partner, save one short-lived relationship (yeah, 9 years with a guy like that gave me the ability to see the signs the moment they began emerging) but with coaches of all sorts. The ones who would get me ripped and the ones who promised to enlighten me.
Oh yes, I jumped on the self-improvement bus because, well… I wanted to become a better version of me.
And once I started looking, I found “help” everywhere. Or at least the promises of it. Oh, yes, the moment a question arose about how I could become this next best version of myself, I could find a “teacher” who swore they had the answers I needed.
And as a bonus, I could get those answers at a nifty discount (cause prices were going up next week…)
Hmm. That’s where I should’ve really leaned into the doubt. They had the answers, did they? And I had to pay for them. And they were so conveniently on sale! Gee, how lucky I was.
People lie.
They lie for attention, money, praise, power. For all sorts of things. Delusions run deep.
What is delusion, you ask?
Well, if you look to social media lately, you may be shocked to see meme after meme, and indeed “serious” post after post, promoting “delusion” as a way of being. Delusion as a way of “quantum leaping,” stepping into your future, ascending into 5D consciousness. I mean, it’s delusion after all… they can claim it leads to anything… and apparently, that’s what the New Age is all about. Having whatever you want as quickly as you want it. Others be damned! They ascended to god-consciousness that one time they tripped on ayahuasca, so they must know, right?
Well, that’s what they’ll tell you.
Oh my.
Okay, back to defining delusion.
As I pondered the word, I arrived at a definition that seems to point to the root of a lot of our cultures’ dilemmas.
From what I can tell:
Delusion is a false sense of correctness borne from an absence of values.
I should clarify the word values, as well, to point to those values that are ethical… since it is evident that there are many who value their selfish sense of power and security - who value domination - over recognizing the negative impact they have on those around them.
Rob Brezsny, the only astrologer I trust because he is much more an advocate for ethical behavior, love, and cultivation of strength than of channeling messages from the stars to get followers, said,”one’s quest for pleasure is senseless and worthless unless synergized by a devotion to serving other people and minimizing the suffering in the world.”
Those who cannot step back and look at their impact, at their use and abuse of power, at their manipulative tactics, suffer from weakness. They do not know how to access true power, so they take it from others who willingly hand it over in search of connection. This also gives them a false sense of strength.
It’s worth asking the question, “What is strength?”
If you ask,“What is love?” you may come up with similar answers.
Strength fundamentally equals ability. Ability to do what, though?
We each have to define it for ourselves. It doesn’t work out of context unless you’re looking for mechanical equations. Which, while useful in certain contexts, are not what most of us need.
Ability to love could be a good answer to the question, “what is strength?” but then, how does one define love, see?
We need these personal inquiries. Otherwise, words are relatively meaningless. Without a value system intact, we are directionless, purposeless, except for the direction or purpose given to or forced upon us by family/friends//religion/culture… which tend to be largely misguided.
Yes, I’m asking big questions. Yes. This is a big undertaking. Yes. It is worth it.
I used to be very weak. Well-meaning, but weak. Well educated in some places, but completely useless in others.
I used to lie to myself a lot, back when I believed the only way to be safe, to feel secure, comforted, to experience some sense of pleasure or joy, was to shrink everything about myself. That satisfied my ego’s broken belief system, alright. It let me ignore the deep cracks in my foundation for years. But of course, I had to lie and diminish myself to keep the charade alive. And to keep myself from feeling the ill effects of my self-neglect not only on myself but on all of my relationships.
I appeared strong in physique, but my mind was weak.
Appearances are only skin deep, usually. Unfortunately. Take crossfit for example (I don’t intend to offend, but seriously… do y’all care about anything other than exhaustion?) Let’s quickly survey the strength of a room full of people with sweat dripping from their rock-hard 6 packs, but who have debilitating injuries and may only run spartan races for the beer they drink afterward. Or for the moral high they experience when they say, “not for me, I’m keto.” Or, perhaps, simply for the delusional satisfaction of having tortured themselves, day after day.
Remember, strength = ability, and strength is contextual, based on personal values.
AND
Delusion is a false sense of correctness borne of a lack of values.
Oh, and one other thing, as told by someone a bit wiser than yours truly:
“The body listens to the brain, even when the information is contrary to the body’s purpose…” The body’s purpose is to MOVE, and, if we want to be useful… to do it well. Therefore, “your body needs your brain to believe that doing things correctly is Job One.”
Strength, correctness, a personal value system to guide action, and (perhaps most lacking of all) proper education. All are key components in the making of a strong, loving, useful member of society.
Can you see where I’m going here?
I’m not bashing hard work. Quite the contrary. I’m all about a good, challenging, sweat dripping workout… but WHY? There has to be a deeper reason. Why, other than the exhaustion? Why, other than the avoidance of guilt for not doing it? Why? Where does your practice take you? Does your strength transfer? Does your insistence on suffering in the gym transfer to joy in life? Yeah, probably not.
I can tell you from over 10 years torturing myself in the gym just for that high I felt afterward, or for the validation I got when I posted a picture of my socially coveted body on social media, that any pleasure I experienced was fleeting. Hence the need to continue the torture. To stay on the proverbial hamster wheel.
Another question, Where is the joy in the process? Is joy… allowed? Or MUST it be a sufferfest to “count”? Must all “initiates” be subject to ritualistic torture to be accepted by the others in their clan who have accepted the fate of their suffering? Must they bond over that, rather than a shared sense of joy in something, anything, other than the reckless abuse of their bodies?
And what about all these spiritual gurus who take advantage of their devotees? For fame, for sex, for money, for attention, for an easy way out of life’s challenges. They are power hungry and subsequently blinded by it.
I see the same scenario playing out in these New Age circles. The spiritual elite wearing halos of righteousness, believing every word that comes out of the guru’s mouth, or their own mouth, just because of a perceived moral status. It sends one into existential crisis. “Face the darkness… but don’t think too much. Just trust us… we know what you need.”
But do they? Or do they just know what they want to sell you?
I’m not saying it’s all wrong, simply encouraging you to think before buying in.
Often, what they’re selling is a way for the buyer to not have to think for themself. Easy? Sure, maybe for a while. But what about when doubt creeps in, when things start to feel off, when they are too afraid to let go of all they’ve invested? What about when they are too ashamed, embarrassed, isolated, and weak to make necessary changes?
Having been deeply involved in both cultures (or should I say cults, ugh) of physicality and spirituality, I see a deep overlap in the way the leaders of these industries manipulate, retain, and belittle their so-called members. Or might they better be called slaves?
Just as traditional cults, the fitness and spiritual industries (it feels weird to type the words spiritual and industry next to each other, but alas… they are selling you their beliefs) they pull the wool over your eyes. They manipulate you with their aesthetic promises and then ask you to invest without so much as an invitation for further investigation.
As all good marketers in the self-help universe do, they offer the promise of an ideal new you, and an ideal life, but simultaneously and necessarily shame the current version of you to subvert your power and claim your attention. Mind control I believe that is called. And for the undiscerning mind, this is big trouble.
Listen, I know we live in a material world. I know money rules things and blinds people to morality. Not all people, but enough. The loudest ones. The ones whose instagrams have hundreds of thousands of followers. Influencers who have no business laying their beliefs on anyone. It disappoints me that those with more than enough still want more rather than be generous. Their weakness disappoints me. With endless resources, education should come first. Self inquiry should be of utmost importance, when that much power is at hand.
But that’s difficult, and what’s easier is to keep fragile egos intact by taking advantage of open-minded, kind-hearted, curious humans desiring only to expand, explore, and empower themselves (and probably others, too, contrary to their leaders’ examples).
Now, when I reflect, I can see where I went awry, trusting people I had no good reason to trust and with whom I did not enquire enough. I trusted their personalities, their programs, their grand promises, their assertions that they knew the answers.
A real teacher shares what they know with the goal of empowering the student to realize their own answers. Maybe they reach the same conclusion, maybe not… that’s not the point.
A real teacher is not selling you something based on their inflated ego. They don’t need to be right. They delight in being challenged, in continuing to learn through experience, inquiry, and critical thinking. They expand their connection with themselves, with truth, and with their communities through the process, and encourage their students to do the same.
This is strength in the metaphysical sense.
If this philosophy is applied to a workout, a deeper strength is created, one reflected not only in rippling abs and bulging biceps (which are a byproduct of eating, training, and resting well… which is another post for another day) but also in strength of will, morals, mentality, spirit.
Aristotle defines a soul as that which makes a living thing alive. The intense clarity of mind and body necessary to incorporate this spiritual essence is the strength I’m ever after.
Rather than suffer, I strive to cultivate joy in the process. I smile. I breathe. I face the challenges. I ride the waves. And most importantly, I continue learning, expanding, and sharing. I don’t have all the answers, I am simply here to pass on what I’ve learned so far.
What a great piece. Thanks for taking the time to write this.
Another great post! It’s good to be reminded that there are always economic interests driving these fitness and spiritual industries. One must be careful to not fall into the delusion. As human beings, we have an immense capacity to heal ourselves and each other without needing buy or sell anything. We should pay more attention to that part of us. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this post. I enjoyed it very much.