You're enough. Even when it seems like nothing is happening.

Show up. Keep showing up.

me and Ko’s booty in California last June

Hello, my friend. Lately I’ve been thinking about (and feeling!) passion and patience. I’m working on a new piece about just that…. but you’ll have to patiently wait as my passion transforms into something coherent.

In the meanwhile, do you fancy a sit round the kitchen table? Can I pour you a cup of tea?

How are things in your world? What are you doing, Where are you going? What are you making? How are you moving?

Things in my world continue becoming more organized. This week’s “aha!” discovery is spreadsheets. I’ve spent much of my life both yearning for and resisting the organization that is so nourishing for my brain. The mind loves a map and clear vision! But it can be tricky to start plotting points on an empty canvas. Where do we begin?

Difficulty at the beginning seems to be a theme of life. First time making a spreadsheet. First set of squats. First few lines of a blank page. 

The brain and body need a warm up. It’s just a fact. Patience, trust, and movement get the juices flowing.

When I’m going to train, my warmup lasts 15 minutes. On substack, my first year was a warmup. A practice in the skill of showing up to get the writing moving through my body. I thought I had all my skin in the game, but who was I kidding? I was dipping in one toe at a time, ever so gingerly. Today I told Luke I was neck deep. It felt true. The words are positively pouring out of me. Up from the marrow.

Now I know, because I kept writing even when it was hard and I was convinced nothing was happening, I was learning the magic of showing up consistently to reveal myself on the page. As Joan Didion famously declared, "I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see, and what it means." 

The other thing I was always doing during this “nothing is happening” time was moving and training. Slowly, sometimes at a snail’s pace, building a program, dripping structure into my life. Letting it straighten my spine. I thought I was doing it wrong, but I was doing it all right. Trusting my senses over an idea of how quickly things should be happening.  I was moving at the pace of poetry. Feeling the rhythm of my body. 

I believe if we allow ourselves to be, we are all geniuses. It’s a knowing that’s always been in my bones. And still, when it felt like nothing was happening, I was overcome by a fear of my commitment to self transformation. Oh my! Soon there were all sorts of things I convinced myself I should do or acquire before I was… what’s that word? Oh, yes. Enough.

With time and trial, my desire to become overtook the fear of not doing it right. I said “to hell with the shoulds,” and started doing what I do best. I gave myself permission to trust my body. To be the genius that I am. 

Soon enough, the wisdom I’d been acquiring through half my life spent moving and learning from movement began to burst through my fingers like lightning. 

Morning view in North Carolina

Writing and strength go hand in hand. 

Among other things, strength is the ability to see clearly. Every morning, after I move around to rouse my body awake, I sit outside with water, coffee, and journal to commence the process. I begin with observation. Clear seeing is the gateway to open communication with yourself, and with others, and expands the possibility for transformation exponentially. 

There is a recipe for transformation I learned from Luke (he’a a true jedi strength master, and I'm not just saying that cuz I love him more than brown butter chocolate). 

Intensity. Consistency. Purpose. That’s the formula. 

I’m telling you this because the physical begets the metaphysical no matter what. In other words, what and how and why you consistently do (or don’t) is what (and how and why) you become. So it’s a good idea to pay attention. Another way I like to remember this is with the phrase, “practice makes permanent.” Which is much different than the popular “practices make perfect,” or even “practice makes progress.” Progress is not guaranteed unless it’s programmed into practice… but that’s another topic for another day.

We’ve talked about consistency. Now let’s talk about the rest of the formula. Intensity and purpose. 

Not all intensity is good. Maybe that’s obvious, yet there’s no denying we often seek intensity recklessly, or overwhelmingly without purpose. This is not to say that, ahem, intensity for intensity’s sake between the sheets with a trusted lover (or yourself) is a bad thing — to the contrary — pure, intense, loving  connection, it is one of the most useful purposes there is.  But back to the point… intensity is everywhere. Hello The Bear. Hello salt and vinegar chips. Hello tumultuous relationships. Hello “Buy Now” button on Amazon. Hello crossfit workouts (please, just stop).

We want intensity. And often we reach for whatever’s closest and easiest to fill the space but for a fleeting moment. A brief distraction from the pain of self disconnection. Though usually we just call it “boredom.”

There are ways to connect with ourselves and with intensity, sustainably, in ways that will support our well being. Ways such as… purposeful movement. 

Yes, I am gonna ride this spaceship to infinity and beyond. Why? Cause I want you to have a better relationship with your body. And you literally cannot think your way into that. Again, let’s ask "why?!”

Because your body wants to move! Its sole purpose on this earth is to M O V E!!!

Whew! Okay, enough of that. 

Well. Hold on. One more thing. It’s related. 

Are you hungry?

I’ve been thinking about hunger and satiety. Mundane? Maybe. But then again, not. We tend to outsource our hunger to macros and calorie counting and keto and whole 30 at the expense of actually feeling hunger (which is really the process of hunger-satiety-hunger-satiety ad infinitum) in our bodies. Hunger, as I’m sure you know, transcends food. Though we seem not to let ourselves go to that beyond so often. 

The physical begets the metaphysical, remember? So maybe we’re not getting physical enough to experience the hunger for something deeper? And to feel the supreme satisfaction of something that isn’t fleeting? 

Maybe what’s happening is this: we’re relying on ideas of what it means to be well fed instead of becoming well fed by feeling our bodies’ wants and needs. 

Hunger is a gateway to passion. To morality. To personal philosophy. To transformation. To strength.

Your body is hungering constantly. For all sorts of experiences. Understanding the nuances of these requests is a jedi level skill. One worth committing a lifetime to learning.

Your invitation, should you choose to accept it: What do you want?

Try letting go of ideas of how it should happen, and instead feeling how it really is, right now. It might be scary, but it’s worth a million times its weight in gold. 

How fast, how slow, how dazzling, how challenging… does it really matter if you’re showing up and giving your best? Feel it. Whatever it is. And continue.

If being a paid subscriber isn’t your cuppa tea, I get it, and appreciate you being part of this community all the same. If you’d like to support me, I am always accepting coffee and chocolate donations.

In other news, I’ll be cat sitting for the next week, so look forward to my next updates from a whole new land!

P.S. If any of you, my readers, are in the MD/DC area and need a cat or dog sitter while you travel, I’m your gal! Just send me a message. I can provide references :)

And finally, a word on strength from Dave Draper, one of the most engaging writers and bodybuilders of the 60s who elucidates the far reaching benefits of strength with great gusto.

He’ll be making more appearances here. And you may become addicted to his words.

The process of lifting to grow stronger and bigger and better is simple and basic. Doing it with any kind of effective enthusiasm, consistency and confidence is big time hard. Takes a curious combination of madness, guts and need.

Think of this...... what if you don't?

You'll gain none of the fantastic rewards this incredibly personal diversion - sport - promises.. guarantees. Commitment, discipline, perseverance. Ten cent words that define the character of the really good men and women.... Strength, not weakness. An understanding of yourself and those around you that is enlightening and humbling. I think it makes you a better person. Besides, don't you love the pump?

— Dave Draper, the Blond Bomber